Cacophony
by Saavik13
Summary: Cacophony - a harsh, discordant mixture of sounds. Kate may not know what life is like for Daniel, but she knows well what it's like to doubt your own mind. Part 1 of the Dissonance series.


Spoilers: Episode 18 Asylum. Takes up directly after.

ca·coph·o·ny  
kəˈkäfənē/  
noun  
noun: cacophony; plural noun: cacophonies  
a harsh, discordant mixture of sounds.  
Synonyms: din, racket, noise, clamor, discord, dissonance, discordance, uproar

"Dad, I'm sorry. I wouldn't have left him there if it wasn't an emergency." Kate met her father's eye and held it. "We both know he's more than capable of watching the place on a Sunday morning by himself. I don't know why you're so upset."

"It's not that he can't do it." Joe Moretti grumbled. "It's the idea that he cheated on my little girl. Every time I see him I have to control myself before I do something that will land me in custody. What was the big emergency anyway?"

"Daniel…" Kate started to explain but her father cut her off.

"Not him again! Look, honey, you can't keep dropping everything to rescue a grown man from whatever nonsense he got himself into now."

"I saved his life." Kate said quietly. "I got there just as the perp was tightening the rope around his neck. Two minutes later and he'd be dead." Her father's expression went blank before he sat down at the bar and let her explain.

"He did that? Volunteered to go into the loony bin to prove the girl innocent?"

"Daniel's not about to sit by and let someone he thinks is innocent take the rap for something." Kate sighed heavily. "This was probably the stupidest thing he could have done – hands down – but I know why he did. I just wish he'd called me from the start. Apparently he wanted to, but the defense lawyer thought I wouldn't help. Granted, the FBI wouldn't have wanted me involved, but I could have pulled a few strings, something. Or I could have taken a couple days and gone in myself. Daniel was just too vulnerable."

She didn't like to talk about Daniel's diagnosis in front of her father. Over the years she'd let drop enough that her father could probably piece together most of the story – enough that he obviously understood exactly how devastating an acid trip could be to a schizophrenic.

"He okay?"

"They've got him in the hospital while the last of the drugs work their way out. But he's holding it together." She tucked a strand of hair back behind her ear while trying to figure out how to phase the next part carefully. "He a…he's a little jumpy."

"Heck, I'd be jumpy after that." Her father shook his head. "I don't have to tell you that you ought to keep an eye on him."

"Four. Two of mine and two of Lewicki's." Kate smiled and started to say more when her cell beeped. She checked it and sighed. "Duty calls. They need me back in the office to prep for a trial appearance tomorrow."

"Good luck." Her father gave her a quick one armed hug and Kate left the bar in better spirits. The angry phone message from her father after he found Donnie working the bar hadn't been pleasant but she didn't regret for a moment going after Daniel.

Lewicki texted her several hours later to say that Daniel had been released and that he was taking him home. Kate was tempted to stop by and see how he was doing, but the trial prep went longer then she'd anticipated and they ended up ordering dinner and eating it in the conference room between rounds of mock questioning. By the time she was finally free it was two hours past Daniel's usual lights out and she didn't want to risk waking him. She settled for leaving an encouraging message on his campus voice mail and a quick email letting him know that the doctor doing the gamma knife had agreed to take the woman on as a patient and had invited him to observe. As soon as Daniel was ready they could talk to her about it and see about scheduling.

The next day was spent mostly in the court house. While the actual testimony took only around an hour, she spent the entire morning waiting to be called and there was a long break in the middle of it for lunch followed by the defense cross examination. It was past four by the time she'd wrapped up for the day and Lewicki had sent her a message that Daniel had insisted on going back to classes. Tuesdays he had a six o'clock lecture for graduate students, so she didn't bother trying to check on him. She'd thought about sitting in on the lecture, but she hadn't done laundry in two weeks and if she didn't see to it soon she'd have to buy new underwear or wear dirty.

Grudgingly, she went home to her apartment and tossed the first pile of clothes she saw into the washer and stuck a cheap frozen pizza in the oven. She spent the rest of the evening trudging through her bills and taking care of all the other little life necessities she typically neglected in favor of chasing the next case. She checked her email and smiled at the short clipped message Daniel sent her agreeing to go down to watch the gamma knife procedure – as if he would have missed it. She went to sleep thinking that all was fine in the world.

Her phone rang at three am and woke her.

"Hello?" she mumbled into the receiver.

"Kate?" a voice whispered back, higher than she was used to hearing it.

"Daniel?" She sat bolt upright in bed. "What's wrong?"

"Did…" he hesitated. "Did it really happen?"

Kate closed her eyes and clutched the phone tighter. "Did what really happen?"

Daniel sounded frightened. "The hospital and the," he swallowed heavily, "and the LSD. It was LSD, wasn't it?"

"Yes." She tossed back the covers and started fumbling on the floor for a pair of jeans and bit back a curse when she realized both pairs that fit were sitting in the washing machine. "Daniel, I'm on my way over. I just have to find some pants."

"No." he insisted, louder than before. "No you don't have to do that."

"I know I don't have to." Kate's hand finally made contact with a pair of only somewhat dirty yoga pants that were stuffed half under the bed. "But I haven't seen you since I visited in the hospital and I'd like to make sure you're still here with my own two eyes."

"I didn't want to call you." He sounded almost small through the phone. "It's just Lewicki's at some ridiculous movie release party and…" he trialed off.

"Daniel?" Kate stopped struggling into her bra to pay attention.

"I…" his voice was still higher than normal and she could hear the anxiety in it. "It's just, sometimes," he took a shaky breath. "Sometimes I need to double check that what I think happened, well, that it really did."

Reality check – original version. Kate thought to herself. "Between the LSD and the other drugs it's a wonder you even remember it, let alone have the facts straight." She managed to wiggle into the bra and a clean t-shirt without dropping the phone. She slipped her feet into an old pair of tennis shoes and grabbed her go bag to toss in the trunk of the car since it was unlikely she'd be coming back to the apartment before needing to head to the office. "Look, I'm walking out of the apartment now. I'll be at your place in 20. Do you think Lewicki will be back by then?"

"Doubt it. Last time he went to one of these they stayed out all night lambasting it in the IHOP next to the cinema." Daniel sounded exasperated and Kate smiled at the more relaxed tone to his voice as he complained about his assistant. She kept him talking as she climbed into the car and started it up. She put him on speaker for the drive and while she could tell he was reluctant to even call her, she was grateful he wasn't fighting her about coming over.

He'd given her a spare key a while back, just in case, and she used it to slip into the house. She didn't hang up until she found him sitting in the kitchen clutching a mug of tea. He looked horrible.

She slid onto a stool opposite him and waited until he finally looked up. She reached a hand over the counter top and took his slightly shaking one in hers. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head, his eyes darting to the space behind her for a long moment. She had no idea what he saw, hopefully Natalie, but something told her it wasn't as comforting of a visitor. He jerked slightly as he brought his attention back to her, his gaze falling to their hands. "I don't like you seeing me like this."

"I know." She squeezed his hand. "But I'm not afraid of it, Daniel. And I am glad to help in any way I can."

Daniel closed his eyes. "I just…there are times I can't trust my own mind." He said softly. "Usually I can tell, I mean, I've learned how to pick out clues to what's real and what's not. It might take me a minute sometimes, and every once in a while one of them really gets me, but…" he trialed off and Kate frowned slightly. When he didn't pick back up she squeezed his hand again before letting go to stand up and move to the stove to pour her own cup of water for tea.

"Did I ever tell you about my cousin Crystal?" she asked gently.

"No." Daniel crossed his arms defensively.

"I was a lot younger then her but we hung out all the time. Dad used to joke we were more like sisters than cousins. We looked practically identical and since my aunt lived less then two blocks away Crystal and I were constantly tossed together. She was really great for a teenager – never seemed to mind the little kid following her around." Kate moved back to her stool and stared down at the tea strainer steeping in the mug. "I idolized her and everyone said that I was just like her – two peas in a pod."

Kate sighed. "Crystal was in her junior year of high school when suddenly she was gone. Nobody would tell me what happened. My aunt was crying all the time and her brother Josh was being extra mean every time I asked where she was. Eventually I overheard my parents talking. Dad had found her higher than a kite hanging outside the pizza parlor. He'd taken her home, thinking she'd done speed or something and expecting it to wear off. But when she didn't come down…"

"She was manic, maybe self-medicating." Daniel supplied gruffly.

"She went three days without sleeping before they finally realized she needed help." Kate dunked the strainer. "She was gone through Christmas and when she finally got to come home she was a mess. I didn't know what was going on but she'd just sit and stare at the wall for hours. She hardly noticed I was in the room. Gradually she seemed to fight her way through it, but then one day I got home from school and she was painting the kitchen cabinets with mustard and she was smiling and ecstatic that I was there. When I asked her what she was doing she said she was trying to map out the connection between the earth energy in the house and the transcendental railroad." Kate smiled softly. "I asked her if I could help. She handed me the ketchup bottle and that was probably one of the best afternoons of my life- at least until her mom got home from work."

"What happened?"

"My aunt went ballistic." Kate's smile faded. "She demanded I explain what I was doing, so I told her."

"I doubt that went over well."

"To say the least." Kate took the strainer out and tapped it against the cup before setting it down and taking a sip. "Crystal went away again and I got to spend the next four afternoons talking to a bald guy who had strange posters in his office. Eventually he figured out that I was just being your typical first grader and playing pretend but it scared mom half to death. Next time Crystal was home they told me not to see her. Of course, even at that age I knew they were being silly, so I kept trying to sneak over. Sometimes I'd find her and she'd be herself. Sometimes she'd be really angry for no reason or sleeping constantly. I don't know what they had her on, so I don't know how much was the meds and how much was her rapid cycling." Kate shook her head. "But it scared mom so much she finally sat me down and tried to explain 'the crazy cousin' to me."

"So you've had practice at this, is that what you are saying?" Daniel sounded offended and Kate was quick to deny it.

"No. But because of how mom handled it I spent the rest of my childhood scared to death. Not of Crystal, but of myself." Daniel looked at her questioningly and Kate bit her lip before explaining. "My whole life all I could remember was everyone talking about how much I was like Crystal. I did everything just the way she did. I had the same first word she did. We had the same favorite color. We were both allergic to mangos. We both had chicken pox at two. We both got kicked out of bible study for eating the popcorn instead of making Christmas ornaments." Daniel smiled slightly at that. "And as I watched Crystal get worse and worse and had to listen to mom say horrible things about her, all I could think was that I'd always done everything just like her and it was only a matter of time."

Daniel's eyes widen slightly. "You thought you'd be bipolar too."

Kate nodded. "At least that was what I worried about. Luckily we didn't have the internet and the elementary school library didn't have a psychotic disorders section so I didn't have much information to go on or I would have freaked out every time my mood changed, but I paid attention when I heard it mentioned on the news and I started to try and figure it out. And I eavesdropped on my aunt and parents as much as I could. I tried to talk to Crystal but she'd get upset every time I asked a question. Somebody eventually told me that if I made it to 30 without having an 'episode' I'd be okay. So I built up this mythos around it. I still can't wait to turn 30, as ridiculous as it sounds. But that's not the worst of it."

Kate looked down as Daniel reached over and took her hand again. "She just kept getting worse, Daniel. I don't know. Maybe they misdiagnosed her. Or maybe she wasn't taking the pills like my aunt thought. But the manic episodes were getting closer and closer together and things got really ugly. She was depressed and manic at the same time and her delusions went from embarrassing but relatively harmless to very dark. She started to hurt herself and even when she seemed to be normal you couldn't believe anything she said because you never knew if it had really happened or if it was part of a delusion, or if she was just lying. She started drinking and using drugs and eventually she ran away from home."

"Where is she now?"

"Camden cemetery." Kate took a sip of her drink and ignored the slight shake of the cup. "She ran out in front of a semi. I'll never know if it was suicide or accident. The driver was half asleep and the police who investigated couldn't decide if it was his fault or hers." Daniel was running his thumb over the back of her hand and she took comfort from the motion as she steeled herself for the last part of the story.

"But the reason I'm telling you this isn't because of what happened to Crystal." Kate looked back up and forced herself to make eye contact. "For years I'd go to bed every night and leave little notes to myself about what happened the day before. I carried this little camera, one of the ones that made little stickers like polaroid's, and I took pictures of anything I thought was weird so that I could put them on the note so I'd have proof it really happened. And then I'd still worry that I couldn't even trust the note, or the little pictures. I was scared to death that I'd wake up one morning and think something had happened or was supposed to happen that day and then find out later I'd only dreamed it. That's how mom described it that first time – that Crystal dreamed up lies – and I had no idea how psychosis worked so I took her literally. I didn't trust my own mind, Daniel. It took me until my junior year of high school to finally stop leaving myself those notes and to this day I still catch myself double checking my calendar or email to make sure that everything is the way I think it is." Kate turned her hand around in his grasp so she could grab onto his and leaned forward. "So I know what it's like to be scared, even if I haven't had to live through the terror of having it happen. I will never think less of you for questioning something. I can't imagine what it's like to really have to live with the experiences you have, Daniel, but I am very familiar with waking up at 2am and doubting myself and looking for confirmation. That is something I can relate to a hundred percent. So no apologies."

"I'm probably your worst fear." He shook his head, his eyes flashing up to the empty corner of the room again and then back.

"No." Kate squeezed his hand. "Not you, just having to live through what you do. I don't know how you manage it and I respect you so much for being able to. I don't think I could."

He smiled nervously and fidgeted in the chair. He was carefully keeping from looking behind her, clearly uncomfortable about something.

"Daniel, can I ask you something?"

He shrugged. "I reserve the right not to answer."

"Fair enough." She smiled softly. "What's in the corner?"

His eyes snapped up to hers and he stiffened. "Ah…."

"I know something is there and bothering you." She pushed gently. "I usually just ignore it when you start getting twitchy. I figure if you want to talk about it you will and I don't want to push you. But you seem to be particularly nervous."

"Creek." He answered quickly. "I know he's not real, Kate. I know it and I'm trying to ignore him. I've been telling him to go away for hours….but he never stays away for long." He sounded almost desperate. "He keeps saying that none of it was real. He even says you aren't real." Daniel yanked his hand back and held his head in his hands. "I just want to sleep."

Kate stood up slowly and moved around the table. "I'd yell at him but I doubt it would help. I don't suppose you could pass on a threat for me?"

Daniel chuckled darkly. "I'm not sure what's crazier. Having the delusion, or using the psychotic as a translator to yell at the hallucination."

"meh." Kate shrugged and wrapped one arm securely around his shoulder. "Just us in here. Nobody to doubt either of us. Unless Natalie is around someplace."

"No, I usually only have one at time- thank god." Daniel leaned slightly into her, clearly needing the physical contact. "I'm lucky in a lot of ways. I don't often have to deal with more than one voice at a time and typically they are more of a distraction than anything – sometimes they are even helpful. A couple I could call friends."

"I should invite Natalie over a girls night sometime. Of course, you'll have to come along so we can trade stories about you." She smirked at his dismayed look. "I think I'd like her if I could get to know her."

He was speechless for a moment before he matched her grin. "I am not letting either of you paint my toenails."

Kate laughed. "I just plant the ideas. I'll leave it up to Natalie what you do with it."

"Evil. You are pure evil." Daniel smiled tiredly and started to say something else when he stopped, his back going stiff.

Kate sat back down, this time on the stool right next to him. "Daniel, what can I do to help?"

He didn't answer right away, his attention clearly elsewhere. She had to repeat herself two more times before he answered, his voice unsteady. "Music sometimes drowns them out."

Kate nodded. "Is your player in your bag? I can get it."

"No, no I can…" he stood up and moved quickly out of the kitchen and into his study. He fumbled for a moment before pulling out his player and headphones. The music was loud enough Kate could here it from several feet away and it didn't seem to be relaxing him much.

Eventually he collapsed onto the sofa and drew his knees up, his head tucked down. She came up to him slowly and put a hand lightly on his shoulder. He jerked, turning his head enough to make sure it was her. She sat down next to him and tugged until he released his knees and she could draw him into tight hold. It was a narrow fit, but she managed to get him lying down, his back against the couch and his face buried against her neck. She wrapped her legs around his and tried her best to block out as much of the world as she could. He clutched at her, his entire body seeming to vibrate for a moment, but he didn't try to move. It took several minutes before he started to relax and it wasn't until she felt a hint a moister on her collarbone that she was sure he was asleep.

Author Notes:

This story is fiction, of course, but Kate's fears about herself are real. Many of us that grew up in families with mental illness have experienced that same crushing terror. Those of us lucky enough to have escaped the genetic/environmental/or-whatever-it-that-causes-it lotto are oddly placed. Watching our loved ones battle these illnesses is so very difficult, but at the same time the relief of not sharing their pain is intense. Those who aren't as lucky end up living their worst nightmare.

My message is simple - you are not alone. And no matter how bad it gets, you are worthy of comfort and love. Do not doubt that, even if you doubt everything else.


End file.
